It's Not That Easy
by belladonna6
Summary: Set after Bella and Edward return from Italy. Bella has to decide whether or not she can open her heart to Edward again. Disregards ends of New Moon. AU. Rated T for later chapters.
1. Prologue

_I know I am changing the ending of New Moon here. In my version, they never got to the heart felt talk where they reaffirmed their undying love for each other. Seeing how I'm a bit older and have had the love of my life leave me "for my own good," I sympathize with Bella's pain in New Moon. I can't however, understand her decision to just forgive and forget. Pain like that takes a while to heal. She was not healed when she rescued him. She never wanted him to die, so she did what she could to save him. After the urgency of the situation was over, she had time to think. Did she want to open her heart to that kind of pain again? This is not an Edward bashing story in any way. Bella's just isn't going to cave so easily. I truly hope you like._

_Twilight and New Moon are property Of Stephenie Meyer. I am making no money from this fiction and no copyright infringement is intended. All recognizable characters are property of Stephenie Meyer. _

Prologue

The day I had opened my front door and seen Alice for the first time in months I was overjoyed. I had missed her…I had missed _all _of them so much. I knew that when she left I would have to face the pain that I had tried so hard to rid myself of. I welcomed this pain, if it was the price I would pay to see my dear friend again, to hear about the people I had loved so much, I would gladly pay it.

Of course, she didn't tell me about everyone. Alice left the details of Edward's life without me out of every story. In fact, she didn't mention him at all. I was grateful for that. As much as I wanted to know, I didn't want to know.

The entire time I've know Alice, she had never really been angry at me, I had never given her a reason to be I guess. But now, after she flew back to Forks to help Charlie through my death, only to find out, I was very much alive…technically. (My jump form that cliff did not stop my heart or my lungs or my brain activity. I was surviving, hanging on. No one would call what I was doing living), NOW she was angry. Alice had told Jasper and Carlisle, who told Esme, who told Rosalie, who told Emmett. Her whole family thought I had killed myself over the one member of their family they couldn't bring to tell.

She grabbed the silver phone in her pocket to call Carlisle, to tell him that she had been wrong, but it had bee Rosalie who answered. Rosalie had called Edward, told him what Alice had seen. She thought it would bring her family back together. She had no idea what he would do after learning about my death. Of course, calling the house to get confirmation would normally have stopped any of the chaos. Apparently, things can never be easy. He had called the day of Henry Clearwater's funeral. Jacob had answered the phone and, thinking Edward was Carlisle, told him simply that Charlie "was at the funeral."

Alice told me that Edward was headed to Italy. She was surprised that I knew what that meant. How serious it was. Against the pleadings of Jacob, my best friend, and savior through the hardest time of my life, I went with Alice to Italy to try to save him.

After finding him before he exposed his kind to unsuspecting merrymakers, being escorted to the pits of the Volturi's lair, and successfully double talking our way out of danger, we headed home. Exhaustion and relief flooded me as I gazed up at his perfect face. We didn't have much time to talk. There was so much that needed to be said. I didn't understand why he would try to take his own life. Even if I had died on that cliff, he no longer cared about me. He was tired of pretending to be something he wasn't; he had said that, the night he left. It all came back to me in a painful flood of memories.

When I got home, Charlie was so far past mad words could barley describe him. Apoplectic was a closer match to his emotion. Not to mention Edward was there. Edward, the source of my Zombie like lifestyle. Edward, the reason I left for three days, never telling Charlie where I was going and only leaving a note saying that I had gone to him. There he was, the reason his daughter had fallen apart at the seams, carrying me home like he had saved me.

When I woke up later the next day, a new emotion was surfacing. Anger. Did Edward really think that I would let him into my life that easily again? That the hurt and betrayal could be merely wiped away and things would be as if he never left?

He had a lot to atone for. I could only be grateful that his need to feed kept him out of my room last night. I had to think, really think about weather or not he had a place in my world. I loved him. That would never change. But I no longer trusted him, not with heart.


	2. Chapter 1 The Talk

_I have to apologize here, I am trying to recreate the 'why would want to die" conversation and add the insecurity and doubt that are keeping them apart right now. I am trying not to take the conversation straight form cannon, but a lot of the answers are the same. The conversation is supposed to strained and awkward. It's a hard conversation to have with anyone at any age. There is going to be a lot of talking in this chapter. _

_As always, all recognizable characters are property of Stephenie Meyer. I am making no money from this story, and no copyright infringement is intended. _

Edward came to my bedroom the next night. He gave me his perfect half smile and I felt my heart begin to melt.

"_No." _I told myself, "_I can't let his smile dazzle me. There are things that I have to say. If I don't have this conversation with him now, we will never have it. There are things I still don't understand and things he needs to know. " _

I was sitting on my old rocking chair and I didn't move to greet him, my inner monologue had prevented me from smiling back at him. Edward crossed the room; he looked puzzled at my non greeting.

"Bella? Is everything ok?" he asked, confusion turning quickly to concern. _This is going to be hard…I do love him, I just don't know if that's enough anymore._

"I'm fine Edward; I just want us to talk a little first. Clear the air and see where we both stand." This was not coming out right, but how do you tell the person you love that you don't know if you want him back?

Edward answered me slowly. "See where we stand with what?" He cocked his head to the side and stared at me, again confused.

"About us Edward, See where we stand about us. See if we still want…if we ever wanted… the same things." My voice broke as I said this. _I have to get through this, it's just a conversation._

"Ok" Edward was bewildered. "What is it you want Bella?" I could tell he was trying to understand what I was saying. A horrible image of our talk in the woods flashed through my head, only with the roles reversed. I couldn't hurt him like that. I _wouldn't _hurt him like that. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"I don't know what I want, that's part of the problem. I know its confusing for you right now, but there are things we need to talk about. Things that can no longer go unsaid."

Edward said nothing; hurt was evident on his face. I continued "I'm going about this all wrong, I'm sorry about that, but there is so much that I don't understand."

"What don't you understand? What things need to be said?" Edward finally moved. Crossing back to the window and sitting on the end of my bed.

I got up and walked to my desk. I had written a list of things I needed to know, a list of things Edward needed to know and a list of questions that I needed to be asked. Edward noticed the notebook and chuckled.

"You made a list? How long have you been planning this conversation?" his tone was light, but his face was serious, probably wondering if how the conversation was going to progress.

"I've been planning this conversation since I woke up. I made a list because it is so easy for me to be distracted by you. I think it's really important that we talk about some things."

"So you've said. What exactly do you want to know?"

I looked at my list unnecessarily. I had the questions memorized, but I needed a place to look other then Edward's searching eyes.

"For starters, why would you try to kill yourself when you thought that I was dead? I know that you would automatically feel responsible, but why would you want to die?" my question came out shaky, nervous.

Edward started at my question. "Why would I want to die? Bella, we have had this conversation, I told you, I can't live with out you. I won't live without you."

"Yes," I answered slowly, trying to control the anger that was seeping into my voice. "you said that and then left me three days later. In fact, you told me I was no good for you but that you'd always love me...in a way." I scathed, gritting my teeth at the end. This was difficult to talk about but it had to be done.

" Bella, I had to tell you that. I had to lie to get you to let go. I knew that you would never accept my leaving any other way." He crossed the room in two strides to kneel at the foot to the rocking chair, his hands went automatically to my waist. " I thought I would have to explain for hours to convince you, but you accepted my lies so easily." His voice was pained. I couldn't believe he was trying to turn this around now.

"You've never lied to me, that I know of, before. Why would I think you were lying." I replied anger seeping into my voice again. " For days you have been pulling away, coming over but not really being here. Spending more time with Charlie then with me. It made sense, that you finally realized- " I couldn't finish what I was going to say. There was so much running my through my head right now, I wanted to make sure I was perfectly clear with him. "If you were hurt by my believing you, then you have no one to blame but yourself." Edward let go of me and rocked back on his heels. The hurt on his face almost had me taking back what I'd said.

"Why lie to me? Why not just tell me that you think it's too dangerous for me to be with you and because you think that way you and your whole family are leaving and never coming back?"

"Would that have been better? Would you have listened?"

"No! It wouldn't have been _better_, but I would have understood it better. I would not have spent months in a zombie like haze that I still can't remember. Would I have listened? No, I would have fought you on it, the same way I fought Jacob when he-"

"Found out he was a werewolf? Alice told me about him and your friendship. You should be more careful Bella, young werewolves are dangerous."

"Jake would never hurt me on purpose." I replied, putting emphasis on the words 'on purpose.' "He was _ordered_ to stay away from me, that he would put me in danger right now just being near me, but he couldn't hurt me like that."

"So did my plan work? Were you able to move out of your 'Zombie like haze' and move on with your life? Am I to late to make things right with you?" It sounded like Edward was having trouble getting the words out. Almost like something was caught in his throat.

"Honestly Edward, I'm not sure anymore." I knew what I had to say was going to hurt him more that anything else that I had said, but there was no making things better unless everything was laid out in the open. I had planned on telling Jake the truth and letting him choose whether or not he would still have me, so I might as well do the same for Edward. "I never thought I'd feel normal again after you left. Everything reminded me of you, even without all the things you took when you left. My 'friends' gave up on me; you took the only people I could really talk to with you when you left. When I started hanging out with Jake, I'd didn't have to pretend to be normal, to be sane. He let me be until I was ready to talk. He kept me laughing when I wanted to cry. He was my sun on a dark, stormy day."

Edward closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. He held his breath for a while, keeping his eyes closed.

"And you" his voice was low and hoarse. "You love this Jake?" he asked as he inhaled.

"Not the way I love you," his eyes opened and there was a hint of hope in them. "I'll never love anyone the way I love you, but I know he has deeper feelings for me. I don't know what you have found if you came back in a few months."

Edward nodded his head lightly. "I was coming back. Before I thought… well before I spoke to Rosalie. I was going to come back and check to see if you had moved on. I would not have interfered if you were happy. You would have never known I came back. If you were not happy I would have come to you and begged you take me back." Edward paused. "What have I found Bella? Are you happy with Jacob Black? Do you want me to leave?"

"No, I don't want you to leave. I love you, Edward; I just can't trust you anymore. I can't survive another hurt like that. When you leave again-"

"I will never leave you again. What will it take to prove that to you?" Edward did sound like he was begging now. The thought twisted my stomach; he shouldn't have to beg for anything.

"Time, Edward," My voice broke as the anger abated and I struggled not to cry. "Just give me time."

"All you need." He reached out to me again and crushed me to him. "I will bee waiting for you when you make up your mind. Just come to me when you are ready, whatever your decision." He kissed my forehead tenderly. Then he rose from the floor and climbed out of my window.

I crawled back into bed and sobbed into my pillow. 


	3. Chapter 2 Never Far Away

_I've had the outline for my story written out for some time. I was very, very happy to see how my ideas fit into the story of Eclipse. _

_This chapter will be in Edward's perspective. I won't Jump around a lot on perspective, it will be Bella's perspective unless I say otherwise. I really do love Edward and believe he and Bella belong together. I just don't think all should be forgiven so quickly._

_I'm looking for a Beta is anyone is interested. I have a three page outline of where I want the story to go, and I want to make sure it flows smoothly. _

_As always, I am not receiving any money from writing this story. No copyright infringements are intended. _

Alice was waiting for me on the porch when I got home. By the look on her face I could tell that she had seen the conversation Bella and I had just had. Even if she hadn't the look of anguish I could feel on my face would have given it away.

"Are you alright?" She asked softly. "I mean, of course your not alright but are you _alright_?"

"She loves someone else." was my only answer. My voice was hollow, dead. Just like me. "Just as I wanted her to. She was able to move on and find happiness with someone else." I sat on the top step, next to Alice. "I came back to late, I hurt her to badly, and I have to live with that."

Alice looked over at me, her face changed form sympathy to confusion to anger. "She doesn't love him like she loves you. I've seen them together Edward, she thinks of him as a friend, nothing more. Yes she found happiness, with the one person in her life that does not remind her of YOU." She wasn't yelling exactly but speaking sharply, a little louder then her normally dulcet tone. "Edward, I know this is probably the worst time in the world for this conversation, but do you know how bad things were for Bella when we left?"

I sighed, it was the worst time for this, but might as well get this over with when I'm already feeling lower then a werewolf. "Is this the 'I told you not to do this' speech?"

"No Edward. I wouldn't say 'I told you so' to you ever. But I don't think you knew how bad things were, how recently she started to function somewhat normally." Alice was back to her normal tone, next to me, she was the Cullen that loved Bella best. Whatever she had learned in the short time she had come back had really worried her. In Italy, I had heard her replaying pieces of conversations she had had with Bella and Charlie."

"Alice, can we talk about it? I have heard you remembering but its all so confusing, your thoughts keep jumping around. How bad was it? I know you won't spare my feelings so but absolutely honest. I can't even begin to make it up to her unless I know how bad it is."

"It was bad, Edward, and not only for Bella, but we'll get back to that part later. When I saw came back and saw Bella, saw how haggard she looked, Edward I almost didn't recognize her. I would have never guessed it was her until she flung herself at me. No one else is that crazy. Flinging themselves at a thirsty vampire." She chuckled softly. "But she looked like she hadn't slept, hadn't eaten in months. The light was gone from her. She looked worse then dead. She begged me not to leave, to stay at her house and I was afraid of what would happen to her if I left. I was afraid it would be too much. So I stayed."

Alice closed her eyes as if remembering what happened was painful for her. It must be painful though, seeing your best friend hurt so badly and knowing that your brother was the one who had hurt her. "Charlie's friend had died of a heart attack that day. Bella was trying to clean up so Charlie would have a nice house to come home to, and so he wouldn't worry about her anymore. the house wasn't dirty or messy, just neglected. I watched Bella's as she cleaned the bathroom, asking her about her fiends in school. Edward, it was like she had left school instead of me. She didn't know anything that was going on with anyone. I think the only person she really spoke to was Jacob Black."

"My leaving didn't do any good, did it?" I asked her, defeated. I hung my head as I said it. I knew I had hurt her, but I never imagined it would get this bad.

"_Our_ leaving Edward. Our leaving didn't do any good. I think it was worse for her since we were all gone. If I had stayed... maybe if she still had someone to talk to about everything. She couldn't tell anyone the truth could she? Why she was so sad, why you left...she had no one to turn to. She thought of us as family, and we just left her. We never even said goodbye."

"I thought a clean break would be best. I never expected her to abandon her life." I could barely get the words out. How could I have been so wrong?

"Edward, it's not just about you anymore. She was broken, desperate to know about any of us. She even asked about Rosalie, and not just in an Emmett and Rosalie fashion. You are the only person she didn't ask about. It hurt her to much too even say your name. But it's not just about you anymore. We all hurt her. Could you imagine, never fitting in, anywhere, then one day you meet people who get you, people you are comfortable around, and accept you? How you would feel with them...only to have them leave you without a word, like you were never important to them?"

"Is that what she thinks?" I asked horrified. "Did she say that?'

"No" Alice sighed." But she doesn't have to, does she. She withdrew from everyone. She never had much interest in regular teenage experiences, but she stopped listening to music, stopped reading. Charlie says she acted as if someone had died. But to me...it was like she died. Her soul or spirit or whatever died. She was left with no one."

"I'll never be able to fix that Alice. I'll never be able to make it up to her. Why did she even come to Italy? How could she have wanted to save the person who had hurt her so badly?"

"She went to Italy because she is Bella. She loves you. Even if you didn't love her." Alice turned to me, her eyes searching. "How could she have come to that conclusion? Why was she so convinced you didn't love her?"

I hesitated. I had assumed Alice had seen my leaving Bella, then I remembered her telling me that she didn't like to watch private moments if she could help it.

"I told her she was no good for me. That I was tired of pretending I was something I'm not, and that I would love her in a way, but vampires are easily distracted." I couldn't look at Alice. I knew how bad it sounded.

Alice was seething "I take it all back!" She hissed at me. "I take back the whole family being guilty of hurting her, you stupid, stupid idiot! How are you that ...Urg!" Her thoughts were a blur of was to torture me. When she started mentally searching the garage for a sharp object and butane lighter I spoke up.

"You don't need a chainsaw you know." I smiled meekly at her " you could tear me to shreds with your teeth. Fire was a nice touch."

"Don't you dare make a joke of this, I am so mad at you! Stupid!"

"OK, I am stupid idiot who does not deserve a sister like you anyone as wonderful as Bella. I am utterly useless. Please help me fix it." I begged. It would be no good to try to mollify her. I need her help.

"She asked for time. Give it to her. Don't push her. I have a feeling Jacob Black is going to be very aggressive trying to win back her attention. He thinks he can make her fall for him. As if you have a choice in the matter. Stupid dog." Alice's eyes widened and she gasped "Oh! but what about school? You have almost every class together. That's going to be...awkward."

"I won't ignore her. It'll just be like any other couple who- any other couple who-" I couldn't say the words.

"who broke up?" Alice offered. I nodded. Being next to her all day was going to be torture. I could handle that though, I deserved no less for hurting her that way.

"You said Bella wasn't the only one that I hurt. What did you mean by that? who else did I hurt?" My plans were usually so well planned. I never would have thought I could have made so many mistakes that have hurt so many people.

"You don't know? You really can't think of anyone besides yourself and Bella that would be hurt by your decision?" All traces of sympathy were gone. She was once again angry. It took me a minute to realize that she had been hurt as well, not being able to say goodbye to her friend.

"I hurt you. I'm so very sorry Alice, I know I should have let you say goodbye or have you keep in touch, but I thought a clean break-"

Alice wouldn't let me finish. " First of all Edward, it wasn't a 'clean break' as you keep calling it. It was a messy, horrible "that break will never heal" kind of break! You lied to her, you said the most hurtful thing you could think of and then you LEFT her. I know Bella too, she would have just stood there. Did she beg you to stay the way she begged me? Did she try to follow you?" Alice and I never used to fight, not like this, about anything.

"Yes, to both." I am a horrible excuse for an anything I am nothing but a monster. "She begged, she cried and when I left she tried to follow. Please Alice, you don't know how much it hurt me to do that. I know it was the wrong thing to do. I just wanted her to be happy. I am sorry I hurt you too in the process." I was begging now, begging Alice to stop making me remember how horrible I was to Bella. To stop showing me how undeserving I was of Bella's love. To forgive me and help me make it right.

"Hurt me?" She taunted. This was very unlike her. He beautiful pixie face was twisted in a snarl I hadn't seen since James was tracking us. "Yes, Edward, taking me away from my friend, not _allowing_ me to check in on her. But I wasn't talking about me. Are you really that blind, that arrogant that you can't see how many people you hurt?" I tried to answer but Alice had found her groove, I wouldn't be getting a word in for some time now. I positioned myself to look at her and take my telling off as man. "Fine, I will tell you one by one Edward, since all the hurt is different. Did you stop, for even one second, to think of what your decision did to Jasper?"

I had not even thought about Jasper. I knew her like Bella, would welcome her into the family, but he always hung back, at my request, when she was around. I knew his control wasn't that great, and just look at what happened at her birthday party...her party. Then it hit me.

"Oh...no-"

"Oh!? Yeah 'oh' Edward. Jasper was beside himself after you called your meeting. He tries so hard to control his urges. He lost control and he was grateful so many people were there to stop him. He felt so guilty for ruining her party. Then you hit him with. We are to dangerous to be around her and we all have to leave. Do you know what he said to me? Did you listen? Or were to wrapped up in yourself?" She looked at me for less then a second. She easily saw the guilt on my face. " He said to me 'Edward finally found his love and I drove him away form her. He will never be happy, never even content like he was before, with out her. I ruined him. I ruined him because I am weak and I shouldn't be in this family. I am a true monster.'"

I was once again horrified. I had no word to even begin apologizing for the hurt I had caused him. Of course he knew how I felt, he could read the emotions of people.

"He thought you were really leaving because you didn't want him near Bella. That his presence was the "constant danger" you went on about. He actually though..." her voice broke and I knew if she could, she would be crying. "He thought you didn't want to be around him, that you didn't want him in the family anymore."

"NO! Alice I never, ever thought that. I am so sorry! GOD I'm an idiot. Stupid, selfish, inconsiderate, lowly, worthless..."

"Edward I am not disagreeing with you on this, but the time to feel bad has past. I don't know if I can tell you about the others. You've hurt the people you love most. All of us, your whole family. I was waiting for you fro two reasons. The first because I knew you were hurting. I didn't want to see your conversation, but I did and I'm glad. You need to have someone to bounce your plans to make it right off of. and telling someone about the conversation would have been to hard. Plus, you took a lot of what she said wrong because you love her and you were to emotionally involved in the conversation. You got stuck on her saying she loved Jacob, when what she said was she loved him differently and not as much as she loved you." she smiled and cocked her head to the side. I knew that I wasn't completely forgive, that would take time and many many apologies, but we were back to being friends.

"And the other reason?"

"Oh, I was...elected to be the one to bash some sense into you. Believe me it was a tough campaign, Rosalie and Emmett especially wanted the job." Alice was looking at me with her normal innocent smile.

I laughed, anytime the words Bash and Edward were in the same sentence Rosalie was interested. "Bash some sense into me?"

"Yup. You seem to have some issue with remembering that we are a family. All of our decisions affect the others. And trying to get yourself killed...you pull a stunt like that again and I will tell Jasper and Emmett to bite you anywhere they can find skin. You know how badly the venom stings." her eyes narrowed with a playful threat.

"Esme would never let that happen."

Alice laughed "it was her idea."

"Right. No more suicide trips, but I'm not just saying that because of your threat."

"I know that. You have hope, you have reason, and if Bella doesn't come around, you still have us and we love you too. Now, what are you going to do about Bella? She is still in a great deal of danger, with Victoria still around, and the Volturi."

"I'll watch her, like I did before we were together. I'll make sure she is safe from afar, she'll never know I'm there." I sighed. this was going to be harder then staying away from her. She would be in my eye line and I wouldn't be able to speak to her or touch her. Not until she was ready. Then I would never let her go again.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Alice asked after a minute of silence. "you may stumble on to something that you don't want to see."

"The only thing that matters is that she is safe. If she decides she wants to be with Jacob" I spat his name "then I know he will also keep her safe, but I will never stop watching out for her."

"What if he senses you there? Don't you think that he would tell Bella, thinking it would drive her away from you?"

"No, if he is smart, he won't tell her. He won't want her to know I'm there, he knows she'll come to me. Choose me over him, even if it is just to tell me to go away." I thought for a minute of how bad things could get if one of his friends were nearby. "But I'll try to stay downwind when he's around."

'What about when she goes to La Push to see him?"

I winced. The thought of her going to see him ate at me. But the thought of her being in danger in a place I can't help her was more then I could take. "I'll jut have to hope that she doesn't go right now. You said he was pretty angry at her for leaving." I sighed again, that wasn't a good plan. "If she does go to see him, he had better make sure she is safe, if anything happens to her when she's there..." A growl rose from my chest cutting off my words.


	4. Chapter 3 The Morning After

_Another Chapter for you! I just wanted to thank those of you who took the time to review. It means so much. Hopefully I'll be able to update regularly but it all depends on work, my moving, and wedding plans. Writing is how I relax. _

_As always, I am not receiving any money for this (even thought I am doing this at work, but you know what I mean). No copyright infringement is intended. Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse and all the characters in them are property of Stephenie Meyer._

I woke up the next morning with that tight, drained feeling you get fromcrying yourself to sleep. I felt empty, not as bad as when Edward had left, but empty all the same. I sent him away. I had hurt him so much last night.

I stretched and got out of bed, gathering up my bag of toiletries, a change of clothes and headed to the bathroom to get ready for school. I was in the shower when I realized Edward would be coming back to school as well. This was going to be a very long, very painful day for both of us. How am I supposed to act around him? Could I still sit with Alice at lunch or do I have to go back to sitting with my 'friends'? The 'friends' who were reached out to help me, to keep me from sinking deeper into my depression. Sure they called when they found out I went missing, but they avoided me in school. "I'll just follow his lead." I thought to myself, hoping I could resist the urge to grab his hand when I saw him.

Then there was the whole Jake issue, I tried to call him, several times, last night. He was home, but I had heard hi tell Billy to tell me he went out. I didn't know what I was going to say to him. I just knew I _needed_ to talk to him. Jake was my best friend, they only person outside the Cullens, who knew everything. Well, almost everything. I couldn't bear to lose him.

I got out of the shower and got dressed. I had plenty of time before I had to go to school, so I went downstairs and got a bowl of cereal. I had just started eating when Charlie came downstairs, already dressed for work. I had a feeling he stayed late this morning to talk to me.

"Good morning Bella." He greeted me as he stared frying eggs. "We have to have to discuss what happened yesterday. I know you are 18, but you have to live by my rules while you live in this house. On school days when you work, I want you home right after. The school days when you don't work, you come straight home. I want your work schedule each week so I know when to expect you. I will check in to make sure you are here. You are not allowed out on weekends. Is that understood?" Charlie didn't sound like a mad father; he sounded more like Chief Swan giving a warning to a traffic violator. That was a much worse tone then angry father.

"Yeah dad, I understand. I'm sorry I left like that, especially after Henry-I didn't mean to worry you like that. You're a great dad and you deserve to be treated better then that." I wasn't trying to score points. Henry's death hit Charlie hard, and I knew I had worried him far too much lately.

"Can I have visitors?" I asked. Maybe I would still be able to see Alice or Angela.

Charlie considered that. "On a case by case basis. I want to know to know who is coming over and when. No more then three people unless it is a school project." He replied.

Three people? When did I ever have that many people over at once? Probably better not to mention that now.

"That's more then fair dad." I replied, satisfied. I cleaned up my breakfast and gathered up my things. "I'm going to school now; I don't work today so I'll be home right after." I informed him. I was very eager to gain back the trust I lost.

Charlie looked up form his breakfast. "Edward" Charlie said his name as if it tasted bad "isn't picking you up today?" The idea seemed to both please and confuse him.

"No." I hesitated." He won't be picking me up. We talked for a while-on the plane- and I'm not really ready to trust him not to up and leave again. They all left so suddenly, you know. And I was just starting to get back up on my feet." I dropped my voice sadly. "Then there's Jake." Why was I telling Charlie all this stuff?

He just smiles at me. He looked…almost proud. "Good girl." He whispered in a way that made me think I wasn't supposed to hear him. "You're a good kid, Bella. Most of the time anyway." He began again in his normal voice. "You know Jake is a good kid too, and you know he cares a lot about you."

"Dad!" I laughed, shocked that Charlie not only wanted to talk about feelings, but wanted to talk about the feelings a _boy_ had for _me_. "I know how he feels; I just don't feel the same way. He and I have talked about it in the past. But that's not what I meant. He and Edward don't get along. Remember how Billy feels about Carlis-Dr. Cullen? Jake feels that way about Edward and the rest of the Cullen kids." I looked at the clock on the wall. "It's late then I thought I really have to go. I don't want to be late."

"Shoot!" Charlie exclaimed. He was cleaning up his breakfast dishes. "I'm going to be late too." He ran out of the door behind me. "Have a good day at school" He called climbing into the cruiser.

"Bye dad." I called over the roar of the engine, not even sure if he heard me. I let him pull out ahead of me, and then started to school.

I tried not to think about how today was gong to be. Endless questions and people staring. I was starting to wish I hadn't torn the radio out of my truck. Music would drown out all my erratic thoughts.

I got to school with a few minutes to spare. I parked and walked quickly to the shelter of the cafeteria roof overhang. I was pulling off the hood of my raincoat when I heard a voice behind me.

"Hi Bella," Alice greeted me. Her voice was all silver and sunshine despite the gloomy weather.

"Gah! Don't DO that!" I put my hand over my flying heart and tried to breathe normally.

"Sorry." She laughed. "I was hoping you'd get to school earlier. I really wanted to talk to you, before classes started. She turned to walk me to class, even though her classes were in the opposite direction. "I know you and Edward talked last night. He and I had a long talk as well. Both conversations left him pretty broken up. He's fine." She added quickly when she saw the fear in my face. "But be gentle today. He wants to give you all the time and space you need to sort through your feelings. He wants to be in your life Bella, and he will settle on being your friend." She sounded sad as she said that. I didn't have to imagine how hard this must be for him, but at least he had his family to talk to. He wasn't completely alone.

It was good to know there would be no grand gestures to try to get me to make up my mind. I should have known that he would respect my wish for time. He was the consummate gentleman.

"I will. I'm not even mad anymore. I'm just…" I couldn't find the right word for the jumble of emotions running through me.

"Unsure?" Alice offered. "I know, and I can understand to a point." She changed subject quickly. "Can I come over to day after school? I know you have to tell Charlie first." She smiled impishly. It was so easy to be friends with Alice. I never had to tell her the difficult things. If they were tied to her family, she knew.

"Yeah, sure. I'll call Charlie at lunch to let him know you'll be there." I meant to ask about sitting with her at lunch, but I had reached my class. I turned to say to goodbye to Alice, but she was already down the hall, with a laughing "see ya."

When I walked into class, all conversation stopped. I could feel everyone turn to watch me as I walked to my seat. Right next to Edward. "Great." I thought. "School hasn't even started yet and they are staring." I automatically looked at Edward as I walked to my seat. He had a disgruntled look on his face. I tried to imagine what was running through the heads of our classmates. It couldn't have been favorable for either of us. He met my gaze as I sat down.

"Good Morning." He said his voice like velvet.

"Morning." I replied politely. I couldn't think of anything to say to him. I hadn't had that problem since I first started to talk to him. We didn't say anything to each other after that. I couldn't concentrate on class at all. My mind kept trying to come up with conversation topics. When the bell rang, Edward was up and out of the class before I had even gathered my things.

Yeah. Today was going to suck.

I somehow got through the rest of the morning. Each class I had with Edward (which was still almost every class) went pretty much the same as the first. A Polite greeting, then maybe a wayward glance, but nothing else. Frazzled, I walked to lunch with Angela. We sat at our usual table; I noticed Alice and Edward sitting on the other side of the cafeteria.

"So, Bella," Mike Newton asked. "Are you and Cullen getting back together now that he's back?" Why oh why did Mike have to ask _that _of all things? I opened my mouth to answer him, but Ben, Angela's long time boyfriend, cuffed Mike over the head.

"Shut up Mike." He muttered just loud enough for me to hear.

I shot Ben a grateful look. He smiled and rolled his eyes at Mike.

"Ow!" Mike whined. "What?" As always, Mike was oblivious to the obvious. "What did they have to come back for anyway? Wasn't L.A. good enough?" he sounded petulant.

"I glanced up and saw that Alice and Edward were talking quickly at each other. It barely looked like they were talking at all, unless you knew what to look for.

"Mike," I tried to keep the annoyance out of my voice. Even though when Mike and Jessica had broken up over ht summer, no one pestered him. "Edward's mom doesn't like living in the city. She grew up in a small town, she like the feel of small towns. The hospital made Dr. Cullen an incredible offer and they had to decide immediately. Ultimately, no one was happy in L.A. Mrs. Cullen" I had to smile at calling Esme that, since she is not so formal. I just wasn't comfortable calling her Esme around this group, "was always- afraid of the crime rate- in L.A. and that made Dr. Cullen unhappy. They tried to get used to it, but they wanted to come back to Forks." I was becoming a better liar.

"You seem to know a lot about it, seeing as how you can't even _look_ at Cullen in class." Mike started. "And how do you know so much about his mother?" The whole table looked at mike then, Angela, Ben and I were incredulous, everyone else look at Mike like he had been reading their minds, awed that he had been brave enough to ask the question.

I sighed heavily and put my head in my hands, when I answered, my voice sounded both annoyed and exhausted. "I spent a lot of time with at the Cullen's house. I got to know the whole family really well. I am still friends with Alice…and Edward."

Lauren would not be left out. "I bet," She began, sneering in the direction of Edward's table, "they moved from L.A. because they weren't the best looking people their. They probably looked downright average in a city like Los Angeles."

I didn't take my head out of my hands to answer her. I was furious; she didn't know anything about any of them. Who is she to say something that hurtful?

"Yeah, that's it exactly." I retorted. My voice resigned. "You hit the nail on the head there Lauren. Deep down they are all just like you." Whoops. I hadn't men tot say that part out loud.

No one said anything. The Angela and Ben started to giggle uncontrollably. The look on Lauren's face was murderous. Alice appeared beside me as Lauren opened her mouth to speak.

"Get your stuff, come to our table." She hissed quickly. She looked up toward Edward, staring at him for a few seconds. Edward's eyes went from her, to the ceiling and back. "Bring Angela and Ben." And she was gone.

"Hey Angela," I said in what I hoped was a casual tone. "Alice wants to put together a study group for Trig, why don't you come? Bring Ben; it'll give Edward someone to talk to since he's in a more advanced class." Ben and Angela hurriedly got their things together and we walked quickly to the other table.

"Wow. I think you guys just saved our lives." Ben said, shuddering mockingly. "When Lauren is mad, she goes all high pitched and only dogs can her here." Everyone laughed.

"Yeah, she looked like she was about to blow, what happened anyway?' Alice asked innocently. I was on my way to invite Bella over and I saw the looks she was giving the three of you."

"Oh, well Lauren said something, kind of harsh about…well you and your family. Why she thought you moved back." Ben started, looking uncomfortable. He got along well with Edward and Alice and he didn't want to upset them. "Her reason was really shallow and Bella, I guess you say she defended you." He paused. "All of you. But her answer didn't sit well with Lauren. It made her look pretty bad."

"What did she say?" Edward asked, seeming interested. I glared at him. I knew he had heard everything.

Angela answered this time, sounding a little less uncomfortable then Ben, but not by much. "Lauren made some random comment about you not liking L.A. because you weren't," she hesitated "because you weren't the best looking people there. Bella sarcastically agreed with her saying that you were all just like her."

Alice and Edward smiled genuinely. I was puzzled. I knew they both had heard the conversation. Their exceptional hearing would have made sure of that.

"I take it Lauren doesn't appreciate sarcasm?" Edward asked his voice like velvet again.

'She doesn't like when people call her out on her vanity." Angela answered.

"Lauren is in for a hard life then." Edward quipped.

The rest of lunch was spent in light conversation. I noticed that every so often Edward would give Angela or Ben a curious look, then look over at me. Anytime I caught him staring at me, he'd drop his gaze. That was strange; Edward never dropped his gaze from anyone.

When lunch was over, Angela grabbed me by the back of my coat and dragged me away. What was going on with everyone?

"Angela, what's wrong?" I asked, alarmed. "You're not normally so forceful."

She looked at the hold she had on her coat and grimaced. "Sorry, I just wanted to talk to you. I know it's none of my business, but it is so obvious that the two of you still love each other." Angela looked down at me apologetically. "I'm sorry. It's just that you were so upset when he left, and he looks like he's really trying to be in your life. I just want you to be happy."

"Aw, Ange, it's alright. I know he still loves me, I love him too… I just. It's complicated." I finished lamely. There was no way for me to explain this without giving away to much. I decided to go the easy way. "Do you remember Jacob Black, from La Push? We were all supposed to go see a movie when you got sick?" Angela nodded. "Well, I've sort of known him my whole life. I went to see him a few months after Edward left. We started hanging out all the time, he's my best friend. But I guess he started to develop feelings for me. When I figured it out, I told him I didn't feel the same way about him, but he said he wasn't going to give up."

"That's when you started talking again, right? When you started hanging out with Jacob?" Angela asked, trying to get the timeline right in her head.

"Yeah. He was at my house when Alice came over, and for whatever reason, the Quileute tribe HATE the Cullens. I have no idea why. But he begged me not to go to L.A. to see Edward. I guess he assumes that Edward and I are back together, since he won't take my phone calls at all." I finished sighing.

"OK, so you still love Edward, he loves you. Your best friend has deeper feelings for you then you have for him. And Jacob and Edward hate each other? Ok, that is complicated, but it doesn't really say anything about why you're not with Edward. Are you sure you don't have feelings for Jacob." Angela wondered.

"I love Jacob, as my best friend. He means a lot to me. I don't want to lose him."

In yet another unusual act by Angela, she continued the conversation with advice. "It sounds to me like you are trying to make everyone around you happy. You're never going to make everyone happy. Someone is going to be hurt by your decision, maybe more then one someone. But, above anyone else, you have to do what makes you happy."

"What do I do if both my choices make me happy? Just in different ways." I asked her, practically pleading with her to make the choice for me.

"Figure out which happiness you can't live without." She answered sympathetically. "True friends will be happy when you are happy. True love doesn't come around that often." It felt like everyone was picking sides. Charlie on Jacob's, Angela and Alice on Edwards.

"So you think I should get back together with Edward?" I asked her.

"It's not my decision to make, but yeah I'm on Team Edward. All the way." She laughed.

We entered class and Edward was the first person I saw. Once again he was staring at Angela, when a look of understanding crossed his face. I walked over to my seat and smiled.

"Stop that!" I said in mock outrage, "That's very private girl talk!" I was grinning though; something had shifted at lunch, making it easier to talk to Edward.

His head snapped over to me looking guilty, until he saw the smile on my face. "Sorry. Force of habit." He said smoothly. "Do you need me to pick Alice up tonight?" He wondered. "She told me she was coming to your house and I figured Charlie would be suspicious if she walks home."

My smile widened. "Yeah that would be great, if it's not any trouble. Around 10 ish – Oh crap! I forgot to call Charlie at lunch!"

"You have to check in?" Edward asked amusement evident in his voice. "I see. To make sure you don't skip the country." The laughter drained from his eyes and he lowered his voice. "Are you in a lot of trouble?"

"Well Charlie only thinks I went to L.A" I replied trying to keep my tone light. "I don't have to check in, but if people are coming over, I have to let him know. He said I can have visitors on a case by case basis. So yeah, you could say I'm in a lot of trouble. I could be worse though. I'm under strict house arrest, but I can at least have people over."

"I'm sorry." He said, his voice laden in sadness.

"Edward. Bringing you home in one piece was worth all of the trouble." I said seriously.

"So a case by case basis?" Edward said, changing the subject. "So I guess that means everyone but me?" He laughed darkly and reached into his pocket. "Here," he said handing me a tiny silver cell phone, "go call Charlie."

"Thank you." I replied beaming at him. It was nice, being able to talk to him again. I wasn't ready to let him back in all the way, but he was being a good friend to me now.

"It's the least I could, what with you saving my life and all." He replied, grinning wryly.

"Yeah, well I figured I owed you a few rescue missions. Two more and we're even." I joked, getting up to get the bathroom pass.

I heard Edward snort, trying to bite back his laughter.


End file.
